I CAN OFFICIALLY SAY ... AFTER MEETING WITH MY DOCTOR... I AM CANCER FREE!!! I KICKED CANCERS ASS!!!

As I sit here and think about how this past 6 months have been filled with fear, love,  tears, laughter and Faith. When I received the diagnosis of Ovarian Cancer it was pure fear. After my sister told me the news.. I remember saying “Ok.. What do we do now”.  I knew that no matter what this was a fight the had to be fought. I knew that I was going to beat it. I knew that God did not bring me this far, to take me now.

Now, the surgery was rough. I will be the first to admit this. But, with determination and good friends, family  who supported me and were by my side the day of the big surgery, I knew this would be possible. Even though the special friend is no longer part of the picture, I do thank him for being there when he was. He allowed me to realize that I am tough. I am a fighter and I am worth it. He also made me realize that hair or no hair, I am beautiful. Beauty is on the inside. For this I thank him.

So, the good news is … I AM CANCER FREE! I AM IN REMISSION! I KICKED CANCERS ASS!

Now.. those out there have asked where do I go from here. Wednesday when I was told, I realized the best place for me to be was church. I remember sitting in the pew with my head down giving Thanks to my awesome God. I thank him for making me the strong woman I am. I thank him for the challenges. I thank him for holding me up when I cried and showing me how wonderful this big world is. He gave me a gift called cancer. A gift that has shown me the love of Friends. When I posted I was cancer free the response was amazing.  The likes on my page and groups I am in at last count was 119. The comments are at over 40. I did not realize my journey was, I hope, inspiring so many. I know that each and everyone who wrote comments, emails and sent cards over the past 7 months have given me so much hope and encouragement which is the reason why I never would give up. So, my thanks to each of you. I hope you all know that this journey could not have been as successful without you! Love you ALL

Life is a WILD RIDE!

As I sit here and think about all the twists and turns my life has taken, I can’t believe I am still standing. I know that sometimes things are thrown at us and it is how you approach each and every situation that forms what the future will hold. I now know that my future is in his hands. I know that God gave me many challenges that I have done. I know that the one lesson I learned that will be a fundamental building block for my future will be to “Let Go and Let God” lead the way. I know that he will bring my life to where he wants it to go. I have allowed him to take the lead so far… and now chemo is complete!

On 3/18 - I will be having the final scan to see how well we kicked cancers ass. I know that these last 2 chemos were a challenge but I also am aware that this could have been so much worse. I have had more support and love then I sometimes believe I deserve.  I didn’t think that there was that many people who cared about me. I think this is because for years, I shut myself away. I became a recluse because that is what I knew. I would always be too tired to do anything with anyone outside of the ministry I did with my kids. (yes.. I know that they have their Mom and Dad’s but I also know that each parent knew that I took full responsibility for each and every one of them when they were under my care).

But, now that the energy is returning I am realizing how much the cancer played a part in my life over the last 10 yrs plus. I know the frustration my family had over the years when I was always too tired to do anything outside what I was already doing. I realized that having to take caffeine to just keep going on a daily basis was a band aid I used to mask the effects of the cancer. Now, I did not know I had cancer, but with as active as I was, I used caffeine to keep going just a little further.  I know that the cancer has been there at least 10 yrs. I know that for that long I pushed myself everyday to keep going. I now know if I come to that point again, I will have that CA125 blood work run immediately.

I don’t know what the results of the CT scan I will be having will be. Am I scared… YOU BET! But, I also know that no matter what, I did everything I could possibly do to fight this as hard as I can. I have been told how lucky I am to have had such an “easy” time with chemo. I guess when I hear this I cringe a little. Easy? No. Challenging.. Yes. While the side effects could have been worse, I was not without the pain, fears and frustrations. I had my days to cry. I had my days to rejoice and I had my days to be thankful for all. I will end this with why I am thankful…

I am thankful I was given the opportunity to fight this

I am thankful for the Family, extended family, friends and church family who held me up during the difficult times

I am thankful God held me through this journey (actually… this is number 1)

I am thankful for being able to see all the good in life

I am thankful for this journey God has given me

I am thankful for the lessons that cancer has helped me to learn

And last.. I am thankful for the gift of being able to write as a release of the emotional rollercoaster I have been on.

Have a great day everyone! Keep me in your prayers as I go through this next leg on the journey of cancer. Pray that the chemo worked!

Nancy

5 DOWN... 1 TO GO!!

My 5^th chemo was done this past Tuesday. It was an interesting day to say the least.  I went to my work to see everyone before chemo. Went GREAT! Then got out to my car and opened it with the remote. The problem was once I get in I could not close it! So, drove to my son’s with one hand holding the door, the other hand shifting the car and steering. He followed me to Pep boys and the guy came out and fixed it no charge! So, I stopped at Thortons to pick up a few things. As I was walking to my car a lady in a mini-van talking on her phone came flying and almost hit me! I smacked her car (yes, I got that close) and she stopped to yell at me. I let her know how close she came to hitting me and she apologized. When I got to chemo it took them awhile to get my pulse down to do chemo, but it went smoothly from then on.

I remember when I began this journey and it was the first time, I told myself… well 1 down 5 to go. I’m excited to say 5 down 1 to go! This journey has been a test of patience. Each time I know a chemo treatment is coming, I did everything I could to not dread it. Not so much the treatment, more of what was to come. I knew what to expect with the side effects. But, I’m also surprised how far I have come. I have become an advocate for myself. I am finding that I am stronger than I ever imagined. I realized early on that I am a warrior and finally fighting for me. I have an amazing group of doctors who have gone to bat for me when greatly needed.

In the beginning, I had a doctor who walked in the day surgery was scheduled, as I was being prepped, only to say “I’m changing the plan”. We are going to do chemo first. I remember sitting on that table totally shocked and not able to speak. I remember agreeing with him because I didn’t know what else to say. The surgeon who was suppose to do the colon was shocked. This doctor said that by doing chemo first it would make the surgery easier for him. So, with the fact that I was already prepped, they would put in the port and I would go home.

It was actually a pretty easy surgery. A bunch of went to I-Hop after for breakfast and I remember feeling as if I was in a bad dream.

Within days, my sister and I began making phone calls to other Gynecological Oncologist and found a wonderful woman named Dr. Amhad out of Lutheran General Hospital in Illinois. The first day I went to see her, I told her the whole story. I was frustrated, scared and downright mad! At the time of the diagnosis I was a healthy woman (well.. except having cancer) and could not for the life of me understand why anyone would want to do chemo and THEN do surgery. I knew chemo would destroy my immune system. Dr. Amhad agreed. She was so kind and listened to everything I said. She looked at me and said… Well, how about doing surgery next Thursday. I literally hugged her!  

In no way am I saying this surgery was easy. It was later that I was told my sister had to be brought in to calm me down after the "big" surgery. She told me I had a very difficult time dealing with the pain threshold. I know that they removed A LOT and I kept telling my sis that my “ovaries” hurt. She told me you don’t HAVE ovaries anymore.. I looked at her and said really?? (still chuckle at that!)

The recovery could have been a whole lot worse. My doctors had me on a morphine drip and I did everything in my power NOT to press the button.. Unbeknownst to me other there with me would push it because they knew I wouldn’t. Gotta love them!

So, with 5 down and 1 to go… I am excited to say it’s almost done. The fight is hopefully coming to an end. I know I gave it everything I have and will continue to fight for as long as I have to… but, soon I will be able to just Breath!

Divorce and Grieving

When my divorce process began, I could not understand how I was feeling and why the feelings I was experiencing was as severe as it was. About a year ago I really did not feel that I could go on. I did not feel as if I WANTED to go on. Yes, there were times that I felt as if did not want to wake up when I went to sleep at night. The scariest was when I would lay in bed at night and imagine myself dying. The despair that I felt was so strong sometimes that it scared me. Many of my friends received late night phone calls and I don’t believe any of them realized what they actually did for me, they saved my life, literally.

I was able to move through this without fully understanding the emotions I was having. It took me this long to finally realize what I was really feeling, I realized I was grieving. Now, most would have understood what the grief of divorce entails. But, I realized recently, through a wonderful divorce support group I joined, that the grief I experienced was typical but also different.

You see, I came to the realization at my very first meeting with these ladies, that the grief I was feeling was what a widow would experience, let me explain:

When I learned all that my husband was, I began grieving the loss of my husband. I was grieving the loss of the man that I believed I was married to. In my mind, the man I married was no longer in existence. In my mind, the man I married was never really the man I believed I was married too. I won’t go into why we are divorcing thereby protecting him, but I will say that with the things that I learned about the man I thought I married he never existed in my mind.  

Through this, I believe these are the lessons:

• ·      I believe that God has a reason for all.
• ·         I believe that at the time, the grieving process was hard enough. I am stronger now to be able to understand what I was feeling at that time.
• ·         I believe God brought these ladies into my life at a time that I was ready to understand
• ·         I believe that I will make it through
• ·         I believe that at some point in time, I will be fully healed (mind and body)
• ·         I believe I am blessed beyond measure
• ·         I believe God has put those around me at a time where it is needed the most

I know that the divorce will be coming to end in the not to distant future. God is still teaching me lessons each and EVERYDAY. I am now looking forward to what my future will bring. I am excited to know that I have so many good things to go toward. Being able to fight the cancer, having those in my life who have been walking beside me and sometimes holding me up and most important… a God who is calming my spirit and holding me in the bad times. I am so thankful for all!

WOW – DIVORCE AND CANCER CAN CHANGE PRIORITIES AND PERSPECTIVES

As I think back on the past 4 months I am stunned to realize how much my priorities and perspective has changed. I believe when a person is faced with a life changing event the perspective on life shifts. Let me explain…

For over the past year and half my life has been a whirlwind of emotion. I can honestly say that I believed that divorce can be the most difficult time a person can face. The frustrations when someone does not allow the process to move forward through court appearances that they do not attend and/or provide the information requested would set the process back months. When a person uses emails to try and make the person on the receiving end feel as if they are bad people makes it very difficult. There were many times I would find myself in the fetal position crying not only from this but also for the reasons for the divorce.

There were many days when I was alone where I kept thinking I would not be able to do it. There were times that I just wanted to end it. But, each time I got to that point I would call someone, friend or family, just to be able to laugh or cry with someone else. I know my ex believes this was because I was looking for sympathy. But, I know that this was the way I knew I would survive.  Most of the time sympathy never even entered the picture.

But, when I received the cancer diagnosis I was already becoming the strong woman I am today. As I reflect on where I am, I know that the divorce process prepared me for the journey of cancer. I know that it is this journey that is providing me with the tools to be able to move forward in this road called life and to be able to take this road toward a better future.

I have still been receiving those emails. But, the emails were stopped by me. I came to the realization that he can only hurt me if I allow him too. It is my choice to say no more. I thank GOD I learned this lesson. Divorce can take years to recover from. I am learning this in the divorce support group I joined.  But, I have also learned that if I did not face the emotions they would always be there.  When I move forward I want to make sure that the emotions experienced are not baggage to take along. It’s time to let the anger go. I heard a phrase that I really liked. It goes… “What you allow… is what will continue”.

 

So, with cancer these emotions are being dealt with. My anger for him and his treatment of me is gone. I hold no anger or hurt anymore. My perspective has changed to realize that only I can allow this to continue. I am the only one to let it go. And I do. I am learning to appreciate all of the amazing things in life. I am now able to love, trust and care about others as I would like to be treated. I am so thankful that I have many who love me – as I can love them back! Cancer has been a gift that has shown me that it is OK to love again. I am thankful to all who have showing me this lesson! 

Here's introducing the new me! 

3 chemo's down... 3 to go

                       

I do believe the YUCKY is WORTH IT!

Since beginning chemo, the experience is one that has had many yucky times. The doctors told me that the type of ovarian cancer I have is rare. They told Chemo does not usually work. They told me I didn't have to do treatment. They said that the surgery gave me more time. But, for those who know me know that I am stubborn. I don’t give up easily on anything that I do. I am one who when someone says NO… I say “Watch Me”. I am so very glad I did.

I know these side effects will subside. I have joint pain, muscle pain, headaches, hands and feet are numb and at times hurt so much to walk and add to that constipation. With chemo being cumulative; I know that after each treatment the affects become more pronounced. But, I also know that years from now when it was too late, if I didn’t do the chemo I would question, What if I had tried?

One of the issues I was having was the port which was inserted for chemo. Every time they tried to get a blood draw they couldn’t. The size of the needle always had to be larger due to having to go through layers of muscle. The port had moved so deep into the muscle in my chest that the medication to numb the area didn’t work. After the 2^nd chemo treatment the oncologist sent me to have a port study done. It was at that time that they realized that the port had turned and would need to be replaced. YEA! So, it was with this that they put in a port about the quarter of the size of the existing port and remove the old. YEA … for the first time since the original port was inserted there is NO pain!! The port is so close to the surface that it can be seen! When I went for my 3^rd chemo the process was so much easier and less painful!

Well.. my 3rd chemo is down. Typically when a woman has ovarian cancer, the marker used is a blood test called CA125. The numbers are usually in the thousands. But, with the type of ovarian cancer that I have, I never went above 99. This is how they knew that this was not the typical ovarian cancer. This is a slow growing cancer and believed to have been there as many as 10 years. When I began this journey my CA125 (tumor count) was 99 before surgery. After surgery it was 77. With the 2nd chemo it was 22 AND as of the phone call I received it is now... 19. I'm getting there! Just fighting with all my might! Chemo is still working!!!!

So, with everything that has happened; I believe the yucky has been worth it. I believe that by experiencing everything the way I have it has given me a strength that I didn’t know was possible. It has given me a true appreciation for life and for all those I hold dear.

Added...Oh..I wanted to share something that was sent to me by a fellow Birthmom! I loved this and wanted to share with anyone who might be interested! Please feel free to share with others who are battling cancer! I have decided this is my new fight song! This is a pretty amazing lady to share this with the world...

http://youtu.be/BaQdwTsVtCY

It’s the most WONDERFUL time of the YEAR!!!

One more week till Christmas and … well… 2 chemo treatments down! Next week will be the 3^rd treatment… Halfway there! I have a total of 6 and am blessed that I know this could be so much worse. Yes, I have lost my beautiful hair.. but I know that in comparison to what was given for me through Jesus, it pales in comparison. Surprisingly the lessons learned are almost on a daily basis!

In the past few months I have learned to slow down and look at the small joys in life. I love when I can sit next to my great nephew and snuggle up next to him as he giggles. I enjoy when he runs around the island as I chase him and we giggle. Just seeing the looks he gives me warms my heart. I know that this diagnosis has been a blessing which has allowed me the chance to love this precious little guy.

I know that there are many more things that will come up in the future. I joined an ovarian cancer support forum with woman just like me. There are so many questions with this disease and these wonderful ladies have helped to answer the questions along the way with humor and kindness. Never thought I would be able to laugh at cancer but these ladies have helped me to. And believe me, some of the questions really make me laugh out loud!!

I am also amazed how the social networks can really bring up the spirits of someone who is ill. I have family, new friends and friends from a long time ago that amaze me with the many messages to encourage me. I know that I don’t want any sympathy. I’ve said this all along because I know that sometimes this can have an opposite effect. All I want are cheerleaders. Someone who is willing to stand in my corner and say “You can do it!” or someone who says “Get off your butt your better then that!”. That is exactly what my friends do for me. I so appreciate this! The messages, cards and encouragement is the best Christmas gift anyone could ever give.

In a short 4 months God has shown me how strong I really am. I have already had 4 surgical procedures and 2 chemo treatments. I have had the side effects of constipation, bone pain, muscle pain, headaches, extremely tired and hair loss. But, nothing I can’t handle. Each has its own challenges but the outcome will be worth it.

I also know that as I go to court this Friday, I know that God will be by my side. I know that he will be the one I can lean on. I know that he loves me. He has proven this by giving me the knowledge of knowing that this fight is truly worth it.

So, as we go through this Christmas season I am thankful that the diagnoses came in time. I am thankful that the Chemo is working. I am thankful I have the love of family, church family, friends, a special sweetheart, and a great God! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!